my_inspiration4

You Are 4: The Individualist

You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

hello.
everything life is going pretty well right now and i'd like to keep it that way at least with amanda elaine and shawn who i am probably closest to right now. we'll see how everything goes.

im losing my guy best friend over a girl i used to be close with. and ive known him my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE. i admit i used to like him. like him alot actually. then i came to my new school and she liked him so i backed off. for her. just for her to be fucking happy. and now that i started my own relationships and have gone on with my life im losing him because she seems to think i hit on him. ok this coming from someone who hits on anything with legs and would feel free to do kart wheels wearing a skirt with no short under to cover herself. ok. so every party i go to i get chicks coming to me telling me to back off when HE'S the one bringing up the conversation. so now my solution is to not talk to her. and to avoid him when they are together. and with summer being over and us starting school i'll probably hardly ever see him. so again im backing off for HER to be fucking happy. whatever. sounds mean sure write mean stuff about me back it'll make you feel better. and me too really

other then that work is great. im starting to do something i'll actually enjoy in school and i finally have people i can talk to about ANYTHING and not worry about what will happen.
I do miss ashley lots though and i wish she would call me. she seems to think im not here for her anymore when really i haven't moved. its sad.

things with shawn are going good to hes finally "opening up" to me i guess and hopefully we'll be closer.

other then that im never home and try to avoid my family as much as possible. no reason in particular but im alot less stressed. other then the fact that i have this huge pimple on my nose. anyways take care!

Love always. Love all ways.

hmm.. let*s be realistic
schools almost over and with a bit of luck i MIGHT pass right?
and what if i do.
i*ll pretty much lose everything.
i know i*ll have no friends
because i mean look at the effort they put in to see me now
what makes them think it*ll be different after school.
some people would rather get drunk with a bunch of assholes
wich i mean who wouldn*t right?
they only backstab you everytime you turn around. but i mean you*ve known them for so long and everything it*s just safe.
well from what i understand is it*s not and you*ll be kicked on the curb too.
so i*ve accepted it
i don*t tell anyone anything about me anymore because they*re mouths don*t close.
sure i have a boyfriend but i would rather have a girls night any day.
i wonder if they get my messages when i call them?
because they seem to think i dropped them like a hat.
when all i*ve been doing since fucking August 14 2005 was try to get it all back.
Why though?
fuck if i know, i*m shit from there ass to them anyways.
i mean they even tell ME when i don*t belong somewhere.
WHY THE FUCK NOT
signes say no pets not NO HUMANS.
i have so much anger and hate in me all the fucking time but i don*t talk about it.
i used to have friends lovely ones too, i would do ANYTHING for them
now i rethink everything
because people let me down all the FUCKING time.
"Oh i promise i won*t...... anymore"
i don*t care so much that you do what you say you won*t anymore, it*s the fact that you promise. don*t fucking make promises to me. because i will take you seriously.
i also hate people i love with fucking assholes that uses you when your to blind to see it.
and sure i could tell you what i know and you think that would get you to rethink it
but it wont.
your to blind in your own stupidity
you used to be smart
and a beautiful person inside and out
and i watched you through it all away.
not saying i didn*t try to stop you, because i did.
but fuck what do i know right?
i*ve been through alot and i*ve seen alot
i may not be good in school but i*m smart with a buncha other shit.
i don*t want to go to grad thinking i*m losing everything.
and this post will probably offend some people.
but read it and look at the good side. i miss you enough to bitch about it.
i love you enough to take the time to write about it.
and i*ll even care to talk about it if you want to fix things.
but PLEASE don*t leave me hanging all the time.
i need you
i want you
and i*m sorry if i haven*t been the best i could be. but either way i guess we*re all at fault.
but atleast i have the balls to say it maybe not directly to you
but it*s out there.
and i can*t stop thinking about you.

that*s it.

thanks for you time

Love by ruby mae
Your name
Your partner
You two are	In love
Your meeting was by	Chance
They are your	Strength
You are their	One and only
Your love will	Be unconditional
Quiz created with MemeGen!

things bug me to easy
maybe it's because i'm so busy
and everyone seems to think i'm to busy for them
apparently when you turn 18 wich i seriously forgot i did
"younger" people think you think you're better.
and now that i have a boyfriend again people are going to think
oh now she's back to how she was when she had a boyfriend before.
hmph.
i decided i can't win, so i'm not going to try.
because when you think about it
i mean REALLY think about it you take advantage of me anyways.
with no care in the world, and i know it's happening
but i let it, because that way i AM there for you right?
so what if i can't be with you 24/7
so what if i'm trying to find myself out
so what if i'm not perfect.
don't just use me because it's easy
ack. i really don't make sence.
well it makes sence to me.
i don't know, i don't think im a bad person
i try to make everything evenly balanced.
no ones ever happy or ok with my decissions
so i'm going to stop trying.
eventually, because i've said this before.
i haven't even made time for myself to get my tooth color matched up.
pathetic.

night(L)

Yes ok, i*m a jealous person, if someone is succeeding in something i truly love, more then me, i give up and find something else. For some reason all my life people have drove me away from doing things i love, not on purpose just because i let them.
for example, i used to want to be an artist i took art classes at the winnipeg art gallery for 2 or 3 years, until people were better then me, and i was told i know nothing about art, by people who have never seen my work, so, i gave it up.
i also wanted to be a photographer, but i dropped that pretty early too.
i wanted to be a singer for ever then i was told by people that they couldn*t see me having a good voice, so i don*t sing, even when people haven*t even herd me.
or how about an actress i was told this year i have an extreme amount of talent and should try it, but i won*t, i used to let people make fun of me all the time so i was quite with that part of me but luckily this year i changed and made alot more friends with it.
i also believe it or not wanted to be a dancer, maybe i*m not very good at it but i don*t think i*m terrible and i lost that dream to for little reasons.
and now that i want to be a hairstylist i*m even sort of losing interest in it. Hairstyling isn*t just something i wanted to take up for the hell of it and see where it takes me, it*s something i want to do because i love meeting and working with people, and hairstyling is like an art form to me, never in my life have i ever been told i have talent unless its when i*m doing peoples hair. I grew up with words like "You*re never going to get anywhere with your life" by a grade 6 teacher, or "Why can*t you be more like so-n-so" "They have no trouble at least there doing something with themselves" by parents etc. Sure lots of people have been told that and i let it get to me and i gave up and now i am where i am today letting my dreams and my life being chased away because i let people, i*m jealous, i wish i could be that person to make my parents proud and i wish i could kick my teacher in the face, i don*t care if i*m making my friends proud or not because that proud to me is bullshit, and don*t go thinking "Oh gee thanks steph" that*s just how i feel right now. I want to do something for me for once.

Please don*t comment to this entry.

Have a good one.

wow i love music.
and i*m glad i was stubborn yesturday when i picked up the katy rose cd.
i love it.
yup.
you*re jealous and you know it
i just got out of the shower fun hey?
boys are dickheads and i don*t care
lies.
I don*t care as much as i thought i would.
i*m powerful now!
people are right
i do things i don*t want to do all the time, and i settle
i don*t even want to go to ATC but i will
i don*t want to be an ordinary hairstylist
but i will.
sucks not having as much talent as people say.
i hate how someone*s always better.
it always brings me down.
so i settle
damn stubborness
meh:)
later days

"Don't tell Stephanie, she hates it when i do that"
thanks.
I really could care less, thanks though.
Hmm. Somewhat jealous when i should be happy for the other person.
I'm going nowhere.
Anyways though i'm alright today i suppose
We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Just a random entry.
Night.

I know this might sound stupid
but have you ever felt like you lived in a music video
or in a movie
like your life is some great story
or maybe even what you were feeling.
You see true stories in movies and music video's all the time
but do you ever feel like your in one.
Driving on country roads with music blaring
and your just singing your lungs out looking out side
and it seem different
almost fake.
I keep listening to this song over and over
and it reminds me of me
Wild horses. it's called.
Then i remember my life list i made
"Ride a horse while wearing a white dress"
something you'd only really see in a movie.
I feel like i have so much to say
and to tell people about me
but i'm hiding and i don't know why.
I'm afraid my old feelings for the awesome guy are completely coming back
and i'm coming on to strong
I don't want to lose this one
But i'm also afraid to love or let someone know how i feel.
It hurts to much.

Wild horses i want to be like you, throwing caution to the wind, i run free too
wish i could recklessly love, like i'm longing to, i wanna run with the wild horses.. mmm
recklessly abandoning myself before you.
i wanna open my heart and tell him how i feel

so apparently a few things someone told me, that someone else said, didn't come from that person, but that person is to "mature" to talk about it,and tell me who REALLY said it, meanwhile there "friend" was fine with ratting them ou. So why not rat back. So i decided i trust absolutely no one because nothing anyone ever says is real or true. Maybe i should move to BC with my family only idiots are here.

i hate sluts. ya so what i make out with people when i party. jealous?
don't talk shit about it it's annoying and if you want to any ways don't tell me i don't care.
So what if i'm changing it's probably because i don't like you.

i think i should see a councilor or go to a psychiatric ward or how ever the fuck you spell it.
look you bitches are driving me mad.

AND i've lost respect for everything, just haven't got the guts to slit my writes.. dammit eh? then you'd have something else to talk about.. hmm.

oh and yes i stalk people. scary thought hey? considering i don't i like to look stuff up and learn new things. weird something you don't know about me.

well i'm done waisting my time here.
bitch again later i guess.

Im not living in this world
You dont even understand
Im cold and alone
But go ahead write comments saying i love you
Blah blah blah
It'll make me feel better for maybe 2 mins
I wake up everyday hating my guts
Critisizing everything about myself
But still tryin to make you feel better
You treat me like shit
Constantly.
But apparenlty its all me
Its always me
Cuz i let it be me.
Fuck you.
I wanna cry
I wanna die
I don't want to be alive anymore
I don't want to be your friend
So leave my new ones alone
I want to move away and not tell you
I want to die alone
I don't fuckin care anymore
Hate me.
You talk like you understand
But i see your words as bullshit
The only time you come to me
Is went the benifit is for you
I'm done with you
I may not show it on the outside
But inside it's there
I'm a zombie towards you
No feeling what so ever.
And i'm not talkin about one person

"bestfriend"


meh..



good weekend.. until today

square 1. im back!

heartbroken.

Today is new years eve.
i*m grounded from my car, but that doesn*t matter.
i*m a bad friend, i*m to cought up in how much someone hurt me that i turned into the exact same person
what does that make me?
yesturday was horrible, james bought me a beautiful glass dolphin thing but i don*t know if i have feelings for him, the same he does for me.
back to square one.
boys are a waiste of time.
i wonder if tonight will be fun?
i*m gunna get FUCKED if i go, for all the wrong reasons.. just this once won*t hurt
*(don*t quote me on that)*

i feel useless.. completely and totally useless
i don*t talk to anyone anymore
except some "new" friends and i don*t like it but i tried so hard to fix everything else
i*m back to believing telling people how i feel doesn*t do anything, it was better when i kept my mouth shut.
someone told me the other day that i need to stick up for myself
and they had not once ever seen me stick up for myself
so how do i do it?
it just causes problems from what i*ve seen anyways.

also i want to quit my job
my manager is pissing me off and i*m always on dishes
i got a nice new nick name though
"Dish Bitch"
it has a ring to it i think, don*t you?
to much gossip there too
plus my friend got fierd.
shitty.

Christmas was alright
i got a bunch of stuff i*ll never use
but in a way that*s alright
i didn*t give much to people
because i didn*t know what to get, or didn*t have the money
that*s not what Christmas is about anyways.

lately my dad has been sticking up for me to my mom
tells her that she treats me bad and such
it*s kind of weird.. but i can*t stand her
for the most part
so she threaghtened to leave my dad if he ever yelled at her again
went upstairs and slammed the door.
meh

well Happy New Year!

bitch i give up on you, you're fucking cut done!
asshole i hate you i dont even know why the fuck your alive

look im proving my point im a bitch to others and dont deserve shit
so when your done using me just leave me and ill be happy

I FUCKING HATE YOU MORE THEN ANYTHING


UGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yay!

love(L)

i feel like im inlove!
fuck it sucks...
dont wanna get my hopes up..
so i'm gunna do what i always do

Pray.
don't like it don't read.

Dear God,
Thank you for my amazing day it was one that i never felt i ever deserved, i've never had so much fun with another person or felt so comfortable. Thank you for everything you've done for me, your one person i can always talk to wether or not people believe in you. I just wanted to ask if you could help me out with this one, he's really specail to me already, and i would love the chance to get to know him. Please God, i pray in Jesus name.

Amen.

i'm in such a good fricken mood!!! please cross your fingers for me guys!
i dont wanna get hurt again

yesturday i met a boy.
a fine boy he was.
don't wanna get my hopse up but...

(F)Stef - : good.. was i alright in person lol?
[Saint]: you were amazing in person
[Saint]: i want to dance with you though somtime soon
(F)Stef - : lol ok!!!
[Saint]: sweet
[Saint]: its a date then
[Saint]: lol
(F)Stef - : sounds great!
[Saint]: but right now ive gotta date with my bed lol
[Saint]: i wil tlak to you tomorrow though
[Saint]: goodnight;)

yay! and this ones ACTUALLY good looking.. not that it totally matters.. but i'd be a nice change;)
i'm seeing him today it shall be grand.. only its for our friend Tamara's parents wedding socail thing haha
anyways.. wish me luck:)

so as i predicted yesterday was interesting for reasons that its not my place to say:)

oh look we didn't include her again.. aww why is she mad... SO ANYWAYS:|
people seriously suck and need to learn how to treat people
i seriously waist way to much worrying bout them
and for what? i just feel like shit ever god damn day

*i'm forced to fake a smile, a laugh everyday of my life* it fits


you're an idiot. im sorry but your a selfish idiot. to the max

i say good day